Flipper Has a Plan for Your Life
by Pastor Slick Warden
Why are you so hung up on yourself?
Your life has nothing to do with you. If you’re ever going to have a clue as to what life is all about, you’ve got to start with Flipper. Flipper has a plan for your life, so get over yourself. You don’t know what’s going on in life because you’re so damn selfish. You keep asking, “I haven’t eaten in three days, where can I get a meal? How can I get a job? How am I going to pay for mom’s chemotherapy?” Me, me, me.
This book is not about accomplishing your goals, having a better life, or learning anything useful. It’s about turning your life over to Flipper and putting money in the author’s pocket.
How do you find out what is your porpoise in life? Well, you could think for yourself, but that’s not why Flipper gave you a brain. You could read the world’s greatest literature, study philosophy and science, or ask your parents and others you respect, but what the hell do they know? Who are you going to trust, some Nobel Prize winner, or the chubby minister of the Humpback Church in Flake Forest, California?
You don’t have to guess about the meaning of life. In fact, you don’t even have to think because I’m giving you all of the answers. You see, Flipper has laid everything out for you. He speaks to us through Flipper the Movie, the Old Flipper TV Series, and the New Flipper TV Series, starring Jessica Albacore. You probably weren’t even born when Flipper the Movie came out in 1964 A.D. (AnnoDelphis, or “Year of the Dolphin,” not to be confused with B.C., “Before Cetacean.”), but Flipper the Movie and the Old and New TV Series will be around long after you’re dead. Since you’re not immortal it really wouldn’t matter if you stepped out in front of a Mac truck right now, so you might as well turn your life over to Flipper and buy a buttload of products from the author.
Your Life Is Not a Fluke
Flipper made you. While some parents are bastards, there are no bastard children. The fact that your parents got jiggy with it 9 months before you were born and you resemble your parents is just coincidental, and certainly doesn’t mean that any kind of sexual reproduction, DNA mumbo-jumbo was involved. So if you’re the bearded lady or the dog-faced boy in a traveling freak show, it was all Flipper’s idea and handiwork. That’s just His way of providing you with a steady, effortless income.
Flipper made you so He could love you. Flipper likes squid, and prefers herring, but He loves you. If there were no Flipper, life would have no porpoise. Sure, you could savor gourmet meals, swim in the ocean, cradle a baby in your arms, find a cure for cancer, take a shower with a supermodel, and so on, but without the existence of an omnipotent, invisible porpoise living someplace outside of this universe, life just wouldn’t make any sense.
What Drives Your Life?
Many people are driven by guilt. What Flipper wants to do is to mandate dozens of do’s and don’ts to ratchet that guilt up to unbearable levels, so your life will be intolerable.
Many people are driven by resentment. So somebody tattooed your forearm and put you in a concentration camp, while butchering millions of Jews, Gypsies, and the mentally handicapped. So somebody raped and murdered your child. That was last week. The past is done. Get over it.
Many people are driven by greed. They want to be best-selling authors of hokey meaning-of-life books, while becoming millionaire pastors with thousands of adoring lackeys in their congregation.
How pathetic.
Many people are driven by the need for approval. Shallow people like this make Flipper weep. (If you enjoyed this book, please send a flattery-filled e-mail to slickwarden@wahoo.com)
You could be a multimillionaire living a life of incredible luxury, cruising through the Greek islands in a yacht with a bikini-clad Playmate of the Year sprawled suggestively on the deck, but what’s that compared to knowing what Flipper wants you to do next? Once you have a porpoise in life, things get simple, because you no longer have all the hassle of thinking for yourself: Do what Flipper tells you to do and write out those checks to Slick Warden.
You were put here to prepare for eternity. The problem is that you’re constantly thinking about your life and being alive, when you really ought to start obsessing about death.
Once you die, the first thing Flipper is going to ask you is, “What did you do with my child, Jessica Albacore?” Flipper wants you to know and love Jessica. I mean really love Jessica.
The second thing Flipper is going to ask you is, “What did you do with your life?” You didn’t do anything sinful like try to figure out things on your own and live your life as though it were your life, did you? Flipper created you with a mind and freewill so that you could obey his every whim without question.
The third thing Flipper is going to ask you is, “Did you bring me that herring like I asked you to?” It should be fresh, because if the eyes are cloudy and it smells like fish, Flipper is going to be pissed off.
Seeing Life Through a Fish-Eye Lens
Life is a test. Isn’t it great that you’re about to live life Flipper’s way? We all know how fun tests are! Every day with Flipper is a non-stop test! Think of all those years you wasted doing body shots off of curvaceous nymphomaniacs when you could have been taking a test.
Life on Earth Is a Trust. God has asked humans to take care of his “stuff,” which is a scientific term that means “things.”
Once a couple of dupes in our congregation let me and my wife use their home in Maui. We swam and peed in their pool, devoured everything in their refrigerator/freezer, used their sexual aids, and I even cleaned out the bird feeder in the backyard after drinking their bottle of single malt Scotch. But we put everything back, including the food and birdseed I threw up in the sink the next morning.
The main point is, since you don’t really own anything, because Flipper is simply loaning you everything you’ve got, do you have a BMW, a luxury condo, or a hot teenage daughter Pastor Slick could borrow for the weekend?
Money is both a test and a trust. (Don’t ask me what that means.) The neat thing is that if you’ll just give your money to Flipper, and if he’s not in your swimming pool at the moment you can send that money to me and I’ll make sure that He gets it, Flipper will give you spiritual riches. Imagine the look on your friend’s face when you say, “You hit the lottery for five grand. Is that all? I’ve got a cool mil in spiritual cash.”
Life on Earth Is as Short as a Crackhead’s Attention Span
I live in California, which is overrun with illegal aliens who don’t buy any of my books. Hell, they can’t even read, let alone read in English. While some immigrants have green cards, all of us should carry spiritual green cards. That way, if Immigration and Naturalization officers stop you, you can say (translated from Spanish), “No officers, I’m not a citizen and I don’t have any papers, except for this spiritual green card.” At which point they respond, “I’m so sorry, sir. Please forgive the inconvenience.”
Or suppose some day you wind up in heaven and Flipper says, “Hey, what are doing here? Aren’t you the guy who ate tuna that wasn’t dolphin-safe?” You could reply, “Yes, but I have a spiritual green card, and I’ll mow your lawn cheap.” Problem solved.
When you view things from the perspective of eternity, life on earth is so short that it’s meaningless. Have sex? Why waste your time, when you’ll soon be dead? Why get a new car? You might as well just pick out a casket. Do you have a horrific degenerative disease? Worst case scenario, you’ll spend 10-15 years in excruciating pain, before your body withers away and you die a slow, agonizing death. Compared to eternity, it’s a drop in the ocean. So cheer up.
Because Flipper doesn’t want us to get too attached to this earth, he makes us miserable. The good news is that this misery will last a century or so, tops. If you’re lucky and Flipper wills it, you’ll be toast long before then.
The Reason for Everything
It’s all about Flipper.
You were created by Flipper, so now he owns you. Everything in the universe reflects Flipper’s glory, from the smell of a wino, to the erratic convulsions of a squirrel that’s been hit by a car, to the flatulent, overweight woman in a trailer park who’s eaten a chili boat and sounds like she’s playing a cheap trombone.
Want to know what Flipper is like? Just look at Jessica Albacore. Go ahead, take your time and get a good, long look. Jessica said in the New Series, Episode 8, Minute 17, “Hey, you got me all wet!”
We humans are commanded to give praise to Flipper. Even though He’s all powerful, it’s very important to Him to have an unemployed construction worker in Bakersfield tell Him just how great He is.
Of all of Flipper’s creations, only three refused to give Him glory: demons (including fairy sprites), humans, and Charlie the Tuna. So how does it feel, being lumped together with demons and Charlie the Tuna?
When anything in the creation does what it was designed to do, it gives glory to Flipper. When an intestinal parasite attaches itself to a child’s colon, it gives glory to Flipper. When a dog urinates against a tree, it gives glory to Flipper. Just keep in mind that as a human, anything that you’re designed to do, like have sex with more than one person, to feel jealousy and anger, and to reason, is a sin that will doom you to hell. That’s why the safest bet is to stay alone in your room and pray while watching Flipper the Movie, the Old Series, and the New Series.
So you’re asking, “How can I give Flipper the groveling adulation He craves?”
You bring glory to Flipper when you love Him and His only child Jessica Albacore. Do you love Jessica? I’m talking about a deep, all day and all night love. The New Series says, “Use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of Flipper.” Are you willing to use your whole body –not just the part or parts you find convenient-- to love Jessica?
You bring glory to Flipper by learning to love others in His family. So you love dolphins; how are you with narwhals? When was the last time you went out of your way to show kindness to a beluga?
You bring glory to Flipper by serving others. Flipper has given everyone a special gift. Some people are endowed with a janitorial gift, and have the privilege of cleaning the Humpback Church’s toilets. Others have the gift of service, which means they got screwed, and so they wind up doing a whole lot of thankless jobs in obscurity. Others have the gift of evangelism, which entails writing books while jet-setting around the world, but no menial labor.
So it’s time to make a choice: Are you going to take charge of your life, live it to the fullest and try to make sense of it on your own, or will you give your life to Flipper as explained by Pastor Slick Warden, best-selling author?
If you’re ready to surrender your life to Flipper, say this simple prayer with me:
Oh, Flipper the Father, forgive me, for I have sinned against you. I have eaten tuna that is not dolphin-safe, and have not worn a mullet.
I have tried to live my life and think for myself as if you had given me a life and a brain.
Oh, Jessica, perfect child of Flipper the Father, show your love to me. Touch me in a special way, repeatedly.
In the name Flipper the Father, Jessica Albacore, and the Holy Mackerel, amen.
